I find myself alone with time on my hands. J has taken the kids on vacation. They'll be back next week. It struck me earlier today that this will be the shape of my life after everyone goes off to college, so I'd better get used to it, or nudge my life into a different shape if I don't like it.
I generally do like my solitude and independence, and I've never in my life been bored. I'm much more likely to be stressed and overextended than find myself drifting around with nothing to do. But since the divorce I've felt like I'm waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to be different. Then I watch myself waiting, and watch myself watching.... and I get rather sick of it.
I'm starting to tell people. I ran into a colleague today--someone I like but don't know well. He asked how my summer has been and I could feel myself hedging. "It's been interesting," I told him. I wanted to tell him and I didn't want to. Of course he wanted to know what I meant, and asked a few more times until I spilled it. What did I think he would do? You can't just give a loaded answer like that and expect people to not press forward. But I can't seem to give the light and breezy answer, either. "Oh, my summer was great. Everything's fine. If you don't count my broken heart." (See, that always sneaks in, even if I don't really say it.) He was kind about it when I told him, and I think I saw tears welling in his eyes, but I'm not sure. I liked him better for those tears, and wondered about them, too. Maybe he knows what a broken heart is. Or maybe it was just sympathy, or knowing how much his own divorce might hurt.
Another friend told me she wanted to celebrate her divorce. Every marriage is different. I was glad to hear her story, too. It helped me realize that I can make my life into what I want it to be.
Here are my challenges: I hear myself telling friends that I need to figure out how to make my life work again. Maybe I need to begin to visualize a new life. What do I want it to look like? Maybe I should write a recipe.
- family (which is mostly my kids and my sister, now)
- meaningful work (I sort of have that)
- living within my means (working on that one)
- close friends with lots of visiting (I've been low on that lately. my fault for hunkering down.)
- social network
- regular rhythm
- good health
- fitness
- nature
I'll have to tinker with the portions of each ingredient. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
