THE END OF THE WORLD

SINGING FEELS GOOD TO ME. I think it ignites several parts of my brain at once. On one hand, it puts me on automatic pilot. If I'm doing some kind of chore that I don't need to think about, like hanging laundry or chopping vegetables, and if I know the song, I can just sing it without thinking. Then, of course, I've got the melody going, but also the verbal part of my brain going. So even though singing is sort of mindless, (or, maybe mindful in the best way) I can't sing and think thoughts at the same time. And too often, my thoughts are what get me into trouble.

Singing is helpful when I am troubled, probably because it just keeps my mind from taking a nosedive into negativity. At least for the space of the song. Also, it gets my blood going, regulates my breathing, and gives me a positive sensory experience. When you sing, you get to listen even as you participate, too. Somehow, all of this always helps me feel better, even when I think I have reason to be miserable.

When J first left I got great comfort from singing "The End of the World." It's got a dramatic melody, perfect for belting out at the top of your voice. And the lyrics are so over the top that if you sing it enough, you kind of get it, don't you? That, in fact, the world has no intention of ending, so you can either get over it or not. Here are the lyrics:

Why does the sun go on shining?
Why does the sea rush to shore?
Don't they know
It's the end of the world
Cause you don't love me 
anymore?

Why do the birds go on singing?
Why do the stars glow above?
Don't they know
It's the end of the world?
It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything is the same as it was.
And I can't understand.
No, I can't understand.
Why life goes on the way it does.

Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know
It's the end of the world?
It ended when you said goodbye.

But really the song puts the whole thing in perspective for me. On one hand, it lets me belt out my sorrow and sadness, but also recognizes that the rhythms of the universe don't stop just because of my little heartbreak. Singing it lets me get my drama queen out, but also calls her on her drama.

What's your favorite song to sing when you're down?

LET THERE BE SPACES IN YOUR TOGETHERNESS

well, it's been a long time since I've posted or even looked in on this blog. I'll be married again in less than a month, and I'm thinking that I need a check in on that idea of singularity. Can I keep it and still be married? One reading we'll have at our wedding is the section on marriage from The Prophet. "Let there be spaces in your togetherness." 

I think that's what I mean by "singularity." I didn't get it right away just because J left. Singularity awakened slowly and it took a while before I recognized it and understood it as a precious gift. And on the eve of our reunion, I don't want to give it up. I don't even want to give it up in the raw, mundane things, like our finances. I think I will just keep my own checking account and budget now. We can share, sure, but I want to make sure that I keep my autonomy, too. 

I'm sleepy now, but for future entries I want to explore forgiveness and reconcilliation.