Strange Peace

J has been gone for more than a year, and I still don't understand why. But I am beginning to feel at peace about it, and to realize just how much my parents' divorce damaged my spirit and of course that had to have something to do with his leaving. J and I have reached an easy tranquility with each other. It's a very strange relationship. He comes on weekends to visit with the kids and work on the house. It is part of his child support arrangement--my idea. He needed money; I needed repairs. Anyway, he visits and works on the house, then often cooks dinner for us. He began spending the night in the spare bedroom (after I finally learned to stop inviting him.) Yesterday we were alone in the kitchen and I found myself saying, in a breathless rush: "I'm beginning to realize how much my dad's philandering affected our marriage, and I'm sorry." He seemed slightly uncomfortable, and said, "Well, and my childhood affected me, too." And I said, "I guess we all have our stuff," and he agreed.

It seems important, somehow, to not only figure all this stuff out for myself, but air it out. I think that's why I want to detail it here, and maybe even share it with J. But I get so exhausted, so I dribble it out in bits. It's not yet 7:30, but I'm ready for bed. More soon, I hope.