A while ago I passed the stage of feeling steeped in sadness. Friends ask how I feel about this arrangement of J being more present in my home, but not being my husband. I hear myself telling them, "I feel like I'm made of wood. I don't really care. It's fine." And it really does feel "fine" for him to be here. He comes on the weekend for visitation and stays over in the spare bedroom. I'm enjoying his brief company much more than I did at the end of our marriage. He seems comfortable enough. We talk a little. The things he does around here are helpful. For now, he is not the source of my stress.
On the other hand I do feel stressed. I know I am juggling too much. Too much work, too many little part-time jobs, too many projects, too many things breaking down in my life. This morning I am opting out of a monthly commitment, because all last week, every time I thought about what I was supposed to do Saturday morning, I felt stressed. I have yet to tell the folks I made the commitment to, but I think they will understand. I hope I can make it next month. I decided to spend a little time this morning thinking about what I need to let go, or put on hold in order to get back to my center......actually, this morning I can't think beyond the disorder of my house. It has dissolved into chaos--another issue from my childhood--dishes forgotten and strewn around, clothes on the floor in my bedroom, a tangle of yarn making a spiderweb between chairs in the living room where the kitten found my knitting several days ago. I think I need to spend the morning listening to the radio, doing dishes. Maybe by creating a clean, clear center in my home, I can create one in my mind.
- First, create a clear center.
- Then, think.
Is disorder adding to your stress? Can you create a tiny center of order right now, that may expand like ripples on a clear pond? I'm going to go try it this morning.
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